Life has been TOUGH lately, I’m not going to lie!
Job Seeking
Trying to find a job and facing rejection is tough, but I know God has a reason. I’m continually working through all my feeling as I go along and i’d be lieing if I said I never had days I just shut down, because I have. It messes with your mind sometimes making you feel you aren’t good enough but then i’m reminded that yes, I am, and that’s a lie from the pit of hell and I am not going to buy it! The devil just LOVES to throw that one around! I struggle with fear. Can I really do this job if I get it, what if i have to do something i’m NOT real familiar with or haven’t done, am I going to get in over my head? More thoughts I have to shut down and remember that if God brings me to it and gifts me with a position, he will enable me to do what is needed.
My faith has been repeatedly tested and the longer this goes the more I learn. One HUGE thing i’ve learned is just how much I put my TRUST in the things of this earth… A job, payday, a person, a situation, etc. Every time I do, i’m not even realizing I am and when it all falls down and fails, God is very quick to gently remind me, that my trust doesn’t belong in those things but in HIM alone. Bottom line. I’m STILL working on this, I guess that has been an unconscious habit that God is working with me to break and grow in Him. It is HARD but not impossible!
BIBLE STUDY TIME!
I am so excited that our church has started the fall Connect Groups and I was able to get into one doing the Beth Moore study on the life of David. We just began 2 weeks ago and i’m loving it. We watch a DVD of Beth teaching on each meeting and then the workbook has 5 days of homework, and it’s been great already!! God is showing me things already! It’s so exciting!
A PERSONAL Turmiol
Another difficutly I faced recently and am still dealing with is something SUPER hard for me to share, and has been pretty traumatic to have to go through. I have tossed and turned, hemmed and hawed over whether i’d share it, but I always have promised to be real and in doing so desire that in being real, it helps someone, anyone even if it’s just one person, so I swallow my pride and I am sharing it here. At this point only my immediate family and 1 friend know about this, and to be honest i found there isn’t much information from real women going through this!
I started losing an alarming amount of hair about 5-6 weeks ago. I have been literally left with strands/clumps of hair in my shower and handfulls of hair as I combed and styled it, clumps of full strands of hair as I even ran my hands through my hair. It got to be where i’d wait days to wash my hair and was afraid to even touch it!
I swept the floor and had a mound of hair the size of my head that i threw away….and pulling my hair back no longer perfectly disguised it, as i’d have scalp streaks peeking through and if I did manage to cover all, my hair is noticable VERY thin. I had small hair loss since probably 2005 but it was so minimal and seemed to always get better and was cyclic it seemed. This is VERY different and nothing I did slowed it down.
Every time I had to wash/comb my hair, just seeing all that was coming out traumatized me so much and I’d ball, sometimes quite hard and often when my husband was traveling for work so i was going through much of the early stages of this alone… It wasn’t letting up and after 2 weeks I texted Jim and sent him a picture of the handfull of hair. I told him I cannot deal with this any longer and am freaking out about it. He was concerned and assured me we’d get an appointment and try and get some answers.
I had to wait until pay day after he was back home to book an appointment with a dermatologist i’d seen before and really trust. Got my appointment and was scared to death of what they would say. Back in my mind I still had hope but I was very emotional.
I sat in that doctors office and he looked at my head and was taken aback with the extent of thinning. He told me it was very diffuse and not just to one general area or even just the top of my head, to which I said I know and it was freaking me out. He talked with me and Jim about his thoughts, asked alot of questions, took alot of notes and told me his thoughts were it appeared be alopecia. He said there is a diffuse type that you lose most but not all the hair and alopecia isn’t just the type that comes out in patches, or genetic or telegen effluvium. He had the nurse and PA do 2 punch biopsies on my scalp to send it for complete analysis and looking at two different positions of the follicles. he also sent me to a lab to have several blood tests, for thyroid, hormones, vitamin d and a genetic panel for autoimmune diseases, and genetics. He took the time to look me dead in the eyes and promised he would do every thing he can to find the cause and help fix this, and I knew he meant it and told him so. He is a GREAT dermatologist!
As my doctor told me his inital thoughts, i was try SO hard not to lose it and start balling, but I did tear up and was fighting hard to hold it all in. I kept thinking I’d rather be chubby forever than be bald, that it’s such a sick thing when you actually hope for a physical illness because you know it can be reversed and sooooooo many other emotions and fears swarming through me. What if I was going to be bald or almost bald, how would i handle that. Yes there are great wigs out here that look real and that’s great but how would I feel lying in bed next o my husband or being intimate, etc, being bald or almost bald. And you cant swim in a wig either. Jim is a great man and said he would still love me and i’d still be beautiful to him and all. That’s all well and good but how was I going to cope, to deal with all this. I know how i was already feeling with the hairloss as it is.
As a woman being beautiful to our husbands is SO, SO, SO important. I knew there was at least a week of waiting before i’d know the results of those tests and a week and a half before I’d revisit the doctor. I was SOMBER and emotional that entire day. I had to wear my ball cap every where we went that day especially since they had just put stitches in 2 places where there did those scalp biopsies..OUCH!! I noticed everyone who had gorgeous hair and i didn’t feel negative toward them but I did feel envy. I wondered if i did something to be punished by losing my hair. All things that in hinds sight seem so dumb but when you are in pain and afraid and you are a WOMAN who is experiencing hair loss, it is HARD!!
I felt guilty and thankful that at least I didn’t have some deeadly disease or was dieing or going to have to live with limitations, but i was so upset and traumatized. I kept a cool exterior but inside was a hurricane raging.
I was in church on a Sunday after this visit and I was worshipping during the worship service and I gave it all to God and I made a vow that even if i lose my hair, i will STILL praise HIM and trust HIM! I may not like it, I may be sad and have much to work through but i would not cease in praising and living for Him. I was exhausted.
A week passed and it was the Wednesday I could call for my results and I couldn’t do it, I was so afraid of the news and afraid it was the permanent type. It took until Monday before I decided to call and…………..
It was good news!!! It didn’t show ANY signs of alopecia because there was no scarring and because of the way the hairs and follicles were it didn’t point to genetic either but the tellegen effluvium that my doctor said is the temporary huge amount of hair loss that comes back!!!! I could tell the nurse was SO excited to tell me this!!! I was thrilled!! I went back to my doctor that Thursday and he filled me in on more about it and we discussed stress and he felt that wasn’t it because the stress that causes it is usually much greater and that it’s usually with people who don’t handle stress. I’ve had a lot but by the grace of God i’ve handled it.
I asked several questions and he really couldn’t pin point what could have caused it, but was concerned about supplements maybe containing substances that aren’t disclosed which we all know DOES happen. His other concern was the dieting for comps and how many i’ve done and etc. I very teeny and my cals go VERY low towards the end of prep. It could be that with this leaning out and the hormonal upheaval it causes that my body is VERY sensitive to those little shifts and this was the reaction, especially coming off a comp season and getting injured and all, my body may not have had enough time to recover and this was the result. It’s all vague and guessing at this point.
He had me start a drug that is normally used for high blood pressure but they have had success in using it for women with hair loss for helping them get back their hair or to at least not continue losing as well as using men’s Rogaine and i can keep using my Nioxin shampoo as well. He said there are no gaurantees, all we can do is try and hope it works, so i do what i need to and wait and see. The medication they put me on, my potassium levels have to be monitored with a lab test monthly and i have to watch my potassium intake, which means no banana’s or white potatoes. If potassium goes too high, you can go into cardiac arrest…scary!!
I have also paid closer attention to my nutrition and got a good multi from GNC. I also have a friend who is sending me some Monavie to try and see if that helps.
I’m still prepping for the spring shows and we have made changes in my diet plan because if i do them that will be necessary. I am seriously waiting to see how everything goes and praying earnestly about competing because as much as I LOVE it, it may not be worth it if it could make the hair loss worse. For now I leave it in God’s hands and continue as if I’m going to.
I’ll post workouts a bit later on a seperate post since I feel it doesn’t belong in this entry.
My head is still not all clear and i’m still coughing stuff up, but I FEEL better, so i’m going to give it a go at the gym tonight, probably something not quite as taxing, like delts and arms. I hope all goes well, I’m tired of having to have time out of the gym!
